UNMASKING PRESIDENT TINUBU’S TRIP TO FRANCE

By Jesutega Onokpasa

Has anyone been eagle-eyed enough to forensically scrutinize the pictures coming out of President Bola Tinubu’s trip to France?

It should by now be quite obvious to them that it is not really President Tinubu in those photographs and videos, “na”!

Of course, the fellow is also clearly not the famous “Jubril”, the cutting edge clone that Nnamdi Kanu, out of genuine love for former President Muhammadu Buhari, succeeded in sourcing from, of all places, Third World Sudan, and which our former President was quite thankful to receive from Mr Kanu and replace himself with in Aso Rock.

Nevertheless, the gentleman that has been pretending to be Bola Tinubu in France, is actually also a clone but this time, one whose real name is “Akara-Ogun”.

Believe it or not, this latest clone is the handiwork of none other than Professor Wole Soyinka, who being a world renowned professor of Genetics (by the way, that’s actually his area of expertise and he has only been masquerading as a professor of Literature all these years), somehow succeeded in cloning, not even from any type of human tissue but from a mere folktale – can you imagine what some people in this country are capable of?

In fact, Professor Soyinka cloned a whole human being from a novel, precisely D. O. Fagunwa’s “Ogboju Ode ninu Igbo Irunmole” , 1938 (translated by the same Soyinka as “Forest of a Thousand Daemons: A Hunter’s Saga” ,1968)!

In short, what we are witnessing is truly a saga but it even gets worse.

Look again at the pictures and videos very closely, so that nobody can fool you – especially those of you who have never been to the airport, not to talk of being to Benin Republic, much less going all the way to France – and you can see clearly for yourself that in the pictures and videos of President Tinubu meeting with President Emmanuel Macron and his wife, the venue of their meeting is neither actually the Élysée Palace nor any other premises of similar prestige in France!

Indeed, a certain gentleman by the name of Emmanuel Nwude (a most upright, highly loyal and truly honest fellow, also quite well known to the EFCC, the courts and the prison yard), only this morning, solemnly assured me that it is actually a private clinic in Paris that was merely made to look like the official residence of the French President by world-class set designers, whose services he, Nwude, was contracted by the great granddaughter of Pablo Escobar and the grandmother-in-law of Osama bin Laden to travel all the way to Hollywood, California, to procure, and which he managed to do by entering America through LAX International Airport, Los Angeles, without requiring a valid U. S. visa!

Needless to say, the white man pretending to be the President of France welcoming our own President is obviously not Emmanuel Macron nor is the woman, his wife and First Lady of France.

I have it on the impeccable authority of former President Olusegun Obasanjo that he, in turn, has it on the unquestionable authority of no less than Mr Charles Oputa, a grandfather that goes by the title of “Boy”, that the white man impersonating Mr Macron is actually the best known medical doctor in the whole of Europe, (although Obasanjo also cautioned me that I won’t find anything about this world renowned doctor on Google, not even his name, so I shouldn’t bother to check but should just take their word for it, or, if not, I can go to court).

As for the woman in the picture, the following sages of pontifical infallibility: Nollywood lawyer, Kenneth Okonkwo; the “Iyalode, socia midia, gbogbo Naija”, Alhaja Aisha Yesufu; former presidential candidate now turned town crier, Yinusa Tanko; as well as master political strategist, who has never won an election, either for himself or for anyone else, Akin Osuntokun, have all reliably assured me that she is actually a nurse and, in fact, the chief matron of the hospital, although none of them seemed to know either her real or fake names, nor the name of the hospital, for that matter!

This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about President Tinubu’s trip to France, which Nigerians must know no matter whose ox is gored or whose mandate those pretending to be trying to reclaim theirs are actually only trying to steal.

Now that all the not very obidient nor quite articulate, yet undoubtedly very brilliant geniuses out there can now confirm that what they suspected (or merely wished) about President Tinubu’s trip to France is true, and that the French, the BBC, CNN and the rest of the world’s media have all been duped by Emmanuel Nwude (I mean, who could pull this off but the most notorious fraudster in history), will they be kind enough to “park well”, so that the rest of us, who are still foolish enough to continue to believe in our own country, can make haste and join up with Batman, even as he forges full steam ahead, bringing renewed hope to our very broken but much beloved Gotham?

*Onokpasa, a lawyer, was a member of the All Progressives Congress, APC, Presidential Campaign Council and writes from Abuja.